Blinders

When your drunk all the time, you lose sight of what your loved ones see you go through every day. Just like the ponies at the track that wear blinders, you have one sole purpose: to strategically get from one drink to the next without distraction.  Most of my excessive drinking was done at home, especially the worse it got.  But on the days that I had to be somewhere, I had already mapped out convenient stops along the way to refresh my beverage of choice and consume most of it in my car. 

One thing that it is important to note is this: I was a lifelong drinker.  So when I did go out to eat or chill at a bar, it was not uncommon for me to go through 12-18 beers at one sitting and be able to walk out like I was sober.  That was just average for me.  At my worst, I would wake up in the morning and finish a six pack for breakfast.  Or I would mix a vodka drink in a 32oz plastic cup, and be on my second one in a matter of minutes. 

However, as a functioning alcoholic, people that do not see you on a daily basis rarely have any inclination as to how bad it really is.  Any addiction is a cause for concern to someone close to you, if they know it IS truly an addiction, but talking to an addict about how much they consume can go in one ear and out the other pretty easily...especially if they are functional throughout the day.  But when you see those words in writing and truly feel what they were or are also feeling...well, then it becomes something different.  For me, it was more of an eye opener as to how bad things really were. 

After losing my job as a collegiate Head Basketball Coach:
“She sat on the couch for six months and drank.  She was not drinking beer though; instead, she was drinking vodka along with other hard liquor.  After six months of that I told her to get off the couch and get a job.  She resented me for making her do it.” 

Once I admitted that I felt like my body was shutting down (at this point, about once a month or so I would be so sick that I wouldn't get out of bed for days at a time...but as soon as I felt better it was right back to drinking): 
“…she began to experience high levels of anxiety and physical illness.  She soon became a person I did not even recognize.  I kept trying to convince her to get some help.  I knew of a therapist who dealt with alcoholism, and I tried to connect them on more than one occasion.  But, she was not ready for help.”

Approximately six months prior to hanging up the bottle:
“(She) was just not getting better, mentally or physically.  She started to miss work regularly, and I would literally drive home from school wondering if I would find her dead or alive.  I was worried that the combination of her physical and mental condition was serious enough to take its ultimate toll on her, or that she just might take her own life.”

Clean and sober:
“(She) has been the biggest inspiration to me, as she has now been sober (with no relapses) for 15 months.  Her internal strength provides the foundation for my will to stay sober.  I also never want to let her down or cause her to relapse. “

Personally, I like the last one the best.