Twenty Thirteen

2013 was a phenomenal year!  It was my first full calendar year clean and sober.  And with all of the wonderful drunken holidays, oh hell, who am I kidding...every day used to be a good day to drink.  But without alcohol, I have seen and experienced so many changes in my life...all for the better.  I would have never thought or said that at the beginning of 2012.  If nothing else, I truly believe I have become a more well rounded and better person in general.

It was a year filled with many emotional ups and downs, but instead of picking up a bottle of booze, I chose to face each moment head on.  There have been plenty of learning experiences, such as my trip to California, where I was so overcome with emotion from simply getting on a plane, and having so much support for my endeavours, that it became impossible to perform my best in competition.  But given time to reflect, the competition was only a small part of why I was on that trip in the first place. The kindness and generosity shown to me by the strongman community far outweighs bringing home a duffle bag full of free stuff...although, the duffle bag was pretty cool!  And I can't even begin to explain everything I learned about myself in one blog.

The year was also full of physical changes that were not necessarily in my original game plan, but game plans have a tendency to change by halftime anyway.  I really didn't have any specific goals, except to lift heavy (and never, ever squat again).  After my first strongman competition in March, all of that changed.  Strongman competitors are passionate about what they do; not for the all mighty dollar (with the exception of a select few), but for the love of the sport.  With each contest came bigger goals, and the desire to learn anything and everything about the upcoming events; which also meant facing the challenge of changing all of my lifting techniques...starting from scratch.  But hey, how hard can it be after deciding to start my life over.  I will be able to answer that in 2018...if I am lucky. :)

So, on the final day of 2013, I thank everyone that has been a part of my journey.  From the simple words of encouragement, they mean the absolute world to me; to those who have guided me on this windey ass road, I will never stop listening and learning; and to those who are a part of my daily routine of work, lifting, and enjoying life.  It will be difficult to top this amazing year, but I will do my best.  My journey is far from over.  I still have a lot to learn, even more weight to lift, and definitely more writing to do!

LIVE, LOVE, & LIFT in 2014!

What Goals???

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me."
And the answer to that is me...only I can sell myself short.

My number #1 goal in the short term and long term is an easy one: stay clean and sober.  Even though I have faced some rough days and I am sure there will be more ahead, I have had more fun and enjoyed life more in the last eighteen months than I ever did covering up my problems with beer and alcohol.  I sincerely hope any one with addiction issues can turn there life around...because it is never to late!  And when they say the grass is always greener on the other side, that is 100% true in this case.  Simply waking up every morning at the crack of dawn sober and watching the sun come up, (instead of puking my guts out and laying on the couch trembling with anxiety about the day ahead), makes me appreciate every day I am given.

Beyond my professional drunk life, I have already achieved many small goals that just make me want to push further and see what is possible.  I got to a point in my life where I wouldn't get into a car unless I was driving...overcome.  I was afraid to step foot on an airplane...overcome.  And the times I was afraid to leave the house because of the unknown...overcome.  My goal now is to save up some cash and take a well earned family vacation...probably to Vegas.  Yes, I may be the only person in the world that wants to experience Sin City and the beautiful red rock canyons sober.

And then, of course, I have my goals for strongman as well as powerlifting.  With the strongwoman national competition right around the corner, my sights are now set on improving my lifts and event techniques so that I am 100% confident in my capabilities when the clock starts.  I don't expect any miracles to happen, there are only so many gains one person can make in a month.  But with that being said, there are adjustments that can be made to make what I can do more efficient and consistent, thus turning the question of "can I" into "I will".  A year from now, my sights are set on being competitive at this level, as well as making a more successful run at CA Stongest Woman.

Powerlifting is similar in the fact that repition makes you more consistent in your lifts. But I also see it as a numbers game.  There is no end to what a person is capable of lifting...there is always more weight to be added. Since I finally hit my goal of 350 on the deadlift, it is time to move toward my goal of 400 by the end of next summer.  My coach also helped in setting short term goals for my next meet with higher starting weights which would ultimately end with some new PR's...and hitting the elusive 200lb bench as well as going over 200lbs on my squat.

There is lots of hard work ahead but I am ready to face the challenge!

Blinders

When your drunk all the time, you lose sight of what your loved ones see you go through every day. Just like the ponies at the track that wear blinders, you have one sole purpose: to strategically get from one drink to the next without distraction.  Most of my excessive drinking was done at home, especially the worse it got.  But on the days that I had to be somewhere, I had already mapped out convenient stops along the way to refresh my beverage of choice and consume most of it in my car. 

One thing that it is important to note is this: I was a lifelong drinker.  So when I did go out to eat or chill at a bar, it was not uncommon for me to go through 12-18 beers at one sitting and be able to walk out like I was sober.  That was just average for me.  At my worst, I would wake up in the morning and finish a six pack for breakfast.  Or I would mix a vodka drink in a 32oz plastic cup, and be on my second one in a matter of minutes. 

However, as a functioning alcoholic, people that do not see you on a daily basis rarely have any inclination as to how bad it really is.  Any addiction is a cause for concern to someone close to you, if they know it IS truly an addiction, but talking to an addict about how much they consume can go in one ear and out the other pretty easily...especially if they are functional throughout the day.  But when you see those words in writing and truly feel what they were or are also feeling...well, then it becomes something different.  For me, it was more of an eye opener as to how bad things really were. 

After losing my job as a collegiate Head Basketball Coach:
“She sat on the couch for six months and drank.  She was not drinking beer though; instead, she was drinking vodka along with other hard liquor.  After six months of that I told her to get off the couch and get a job.  She resented me for making her do it.” 

Once I admitted that I felt like my body was shutting down (at this point, about once a month or so I would be so sick that I wouldn't get out of bed for days at a time...but as soon as I felt better it was right back to drinking): 
“…she began to experience high levels of anxiety and physical illness.  She soon became a person I did not even recognize.  I kept trying to convince her to get some help.  I knew of a therapist who dealt with alcoholism, and I tried to connect them on more than one occasion.  But, she was not ready for help.”

Approximately six months prior to hanging up the bottle:
“(She) was just not getting better, mentally or physically.  She started to miss work regularly, and I would literally drive home from school wondering if I would find her dead or alive.  I was worried that the combination of her physical and mental condition was serious enough to take its ultimate toll on her, or that she just might take her own life.”

Clean and sober:
“(She) has been the biggest inspiration to me, as she has now been sober (with no relapses) for 15 months.  Her internal strength provides the foundation for my will to stay sober.  I also never want to let her down or cause her to relapse. “

Personally, I like the last one the best.

"The Long Run"

Last night I was tagged in a post on Facebook by a person I met back in 2009 at the CrossFit regional competition.  She was my judge for the first event...a miserable row and thruster WOD.  She, Pam, is pictured on the right and obviously, I am rowing.  And yes, I had ass white legs back then too.

Pam had tagged me in her blog entitled "Someone Who Inspires Me".  I was absolutely speechless and floored, but at the same time I could not stop thinking...wow, I have been called inspiring.  I have been called a lot of things and most are far from inspiring.  But her kind words really touched my heart, yes I do have a sensitive side and don't tell anyone!

So today, I started thinking...I have written blogs about the people that have gotten me through some really rough times, but have not even mentioned the numerous books, blogs, and my x-large puppy, Killian, that all played a roll in my first weeks of becoming sober.  I will have to save Killian for a separate blog, but I will say the compassion of my four legged friend is something no human could have provided. 

Going through the recovery process is not something that I was familiar with...I did not have any friends at the time that I could to turn to...mainly to ask questions like why is this happening, or why do I feel this way, or what the hell is going on.  So, I turned to books about anything and everything relating to alcohol addiction and recovery.  From celebrity books, to boring research studies, to one written by Mishka Shubaly, a relatively unknown writer at the time.  From his Facebook page:  "He writes true stories about drink, drugs, disasters, desire, deception and their aftermath. His work has been praised for its grit, humor, fearlessness and heart. 'The Long Run,' his mini-memoir detailing his transformation from alcoholic drug abuser to sober ultrarunner is one of the best-selling Kindle Singles to date."

 

His memoir alone helped me understand and come to terms with a lot of things that were happening in my life.  In other words, I could relate to it...and I highly recommend his story over any of the others that I read.  I don't know the guy personally and he sure doesn't need my plug to help him out...but if you know someone going through the recovery process, it is worth the read. 

 

    

My Worst Day Sober

Who ever started the phrase, "my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk" was obviously not a functional alcoholic.  Maybe a holiday binge drinker at best.  Either way, this phrase is completely untrue for me.  Remember, I was a professional when it came to drinking all day, partying till all hours, and living a drunk lifestyle that most people would never admit to...and in my lifetime, I have had some damn good drunk days!  But on the downside of things, there was a "worst day sober"...

Everybody has experienced a “worst” day so far to date.  At some point, each one of us has encountered something that we wish would have never happened, something we wish we could have fixed, changed, or made right.  The loss of a loved one, a divorce, failing to get into college, breaking something dear to you, the spectrum here is endless.  Maybe we don’t regret the experience per say or even desire to fix it, but instead have learned and grown from it.  Or maybe it just remains in the back of our mind, a reminder of what could have been or what once was. 

In my humble opinion, human life is the single greatest thing bestowed on us.  Whatever one believes as to how and why it happens is of no significance here, a case study in religion is better left for…well, not me.  Now for me an utter disregard for human life is nearly incomprehensible.  We are given something so beautiful, a blank canvas to develop and nurture; life is a continuous learning experience, a fascinating growth process both inside and out.  So why would someone even consider bringing an end to it, life that is.  What is so important that takes precedence over living?  It is almost mind numbing to think that anyone would contemplate an abrupt end to their life….…but it happens.

I have never feared death…although I will admit that somewhere along the way I developed a fear of flying.  I live life with the philosophy that the fat lady could sing at any moment, ready or not.  I could walk out of the house right now and get hit by a car.  I have also never sat and contemplated death except when I was forced to read various philosophical views in college.  It will happen soon enough why waste time thinking and worrying about it.  Shit, after some of the things I have done in my life I am sometimes surprised it hasn’t happened already. 

During one of my first sober months, I found myself in MY worst possible scenario.  I became THAT person; the one who contemplates taking THAT step…the permanent solution, the way out, the quick escape.  I had no concern for my own life…zero.  Looking back on that day, I am not even sure what led me to that place mentally, to the single moment in time where I contemplated such a cowardly action.  I do know that I truly believed that I had ruined my life by abusing alcohol and there was nothing left for a failure like me.  There were, what could be considered, external factors that contributed to my mental state, such as fatigue, new medication, a longer than normal day at work.  But none of those should have led me to sitting in my car at the corner store actually attempting to formulate a plan.  Thoughts consumed my mind.  I felt like I had lost all control.  I felt helpless, mentally not physically.  I was overcome by thoughts of how to end my life.  I had an hour of free time, a knife in my car, gun at home, an overpass to jump off less than three miles away, plenty of places…but again one hour to decide and execute and no one to talk me down off the ledge, no pun intended.

It appeared as though today was my day…the fat lady was warming up and there was nothing I could do.  I could not put a thought in my head other than the end.  My mind was a runaway train careening off the track.  I had never experienced such an overwhelming feeling and sure as hell didn’t know how to stop something I could not gain control over.  I sat and cried because I had failed…at life and the process of living it was no longer a concern.  Undecided on an action to take or a plan to follow, I noticed through my tears that my free hour was up. I started the car and headed home to change for a concert that evening.  I was mentally exhausted but all of the sudden it was over.  I was able to refocus all my negative thoughts and concentrate on the present, what I needed to do and where I had to be.  I had successfully survived, literally, the worst hour of my life.  All those thoughts gone in a moment’s notice…with a sincere hope they do not ever return. 

The problem I now face…I felt no fear.  It is a piece of the puzzle I had hoped to never find…more or less hoping that it would be lost forever.  Usually thoughts that even remotely resemble these scare me to death, but for the first time I did not blink at the thought of taking my own life.  I don’t really know what turned that switch on and besides a deadline of sorts; I do not know how it turned off so abruptly.  Now I wait…will the fearlessness, that has only begun to exist, and lack of concern for human life reappear like two trains in a head on collision or will they simply fade away.

Keep Going!

Yesterday was quite possibly one of my best event workout days to date.  But just one short week ago, I had my worst.  Highs and lows like that make you really appreciate the little things.  In my life, if there were or had been no lows, would I really appreciate the high points?  If you don't have a shitty day somewhere along the way, then there really is no reason to celebrate a good day.  How would you know what a good day was if life was all rainbows and unicorns?

The combination of these two sunday workouts has, as I said, made me appreciate some of the finer points and accomplishments of my sober life in the last ten  months.  If I had not over come my professional drunkenness, I would not have started lifting again.  If I had not started lifting again, there would be no reason to have a coach.  If I had not searched for the perfect coach, I would still not be squatting to this day.  And if I had never started squatting...well, there would be no strongman training at all...no Barn Crew...no up-coming competition in Cali. 

I still have a lot of work to do in my mental game as well as in speed and quickness.  But yesterday proved to me that it is all possible with a shit ton of work.  I PR'd my axle clean and press, had more consecutive 500# tire flips, moved further with the yoke, and started working with the 225# stone. 

And then I look back just ten months ago to when I started training.  None of this was even in my sights!  Strongman was something that I thought was really cool to watch my coach kick some ass at.  I struggled to squat a bar correctly!  Little by little, I gained more strength, learned better and better technique, and got my ass handed to me every time I worked out...I still do by the way.  It wasn't overnight that all this happened...it was day by day...workout to workout...ass kicking to ass kicking.  And each time, something came together for me to get me where I am right now. 

So, that crappy workout that I had two weeks ago...would my workout yesterday had been as successful if I didn't learn from it.  I say probably not.  Now I wonder was it really even that bad of a workout?