2013 was a phenomenal year! It was my first full calendar year clean and sober. And with all of the wonderful drunken holidays, oh hell, who am I kidding...every day used to be a good day to drink. But without alcohol, I have seen and experienced so many changes in my life...all for the better. I would have never thought or said that at the beginning of 2012. If nothing else, I truly believe I have become a more well rounded and better person in general.
It was a year filled with many emotional ups and downs, but instead of picking up a bottle of booze, I chose to face each moment head on. There have been plenty of learning experiences, such as my trip to California, where I was so overcome with emotion from simply getting on a plane, and having so much support for my endeavours, that it became impossible to perform my best in competition. But given time to reflect, the competition was only a small part of why I was on that trip in the first place. The kindness and generosity shown to me by the strongman community far outweighs bringing home a duffle bag full of free stuff...although, the duffle bag was pretty cool! And I can't even begin to explain everything I learned about myself in one blog.
The year was also full of physical changes that were not necessarily in my original game plan, but game plans have a tendency to change by halftime anyway. I really didn't have any specific goals, except to lift heavy (and never, ever squat again). After my first strongman competition in March, all of that changed. Strongman competitors are passionate about what they do; not for the all mighty dollar (with the exception of a select few), but for the love of the sport. With each contest came bigger goals, and the desire to learn anything and everything about the upcoming events; which also meant facing the challenge of changing all of my lifting techniques...starting from scratch. But hey, how hard can it be after deciding to start my life over. I will be able to answer that in 2018...if I am lucky. :)
So, on the final day of 2013, I thank everyone that has been a part of my journey. From the simple words of encouragement, they mean the absolute world to me; to those who have guided me on this windey ass road, I will never stop listening and learning; and to those who are a part of my daily routine of work, lifting, and enjoying life. It will be difficult to top this amazing year, but I will do my best. My journey is far from over. I still have a lot to learn, even more weight to lift, and definitely more writing to do!
LIVE, LOVE, & LIFT in 2014!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Free Time
So, now that you are sober, what the heck do you do with all your free time? I know, personally, that thought crossed my mind quite a few times, especially in my early days of sobriety. By now, if you have read any of my blogs, you know that lifting is my passion, obsession, and non-paying side job. The one thing that helped bring me back to life! But honestly, lifting was not even in my thought process during my first weeks of sobriety; a time when there is a necessity to fill the gaps between work and sleep.
I was told multiple times by more than one person, you need to find a hobby. Hobby? My hobby was sitting on a barstool! Although true, that answer did not get me very far in my new way of living. Sitting on a barstool drinking diet soda will only make you the butt of every drunk guy's jokes. I know because I tried it. So, the next best item on the list was sports and lifting.
At first, I was pretty well set, and in fact, happy with my decision to never touch a weight again. It brought back to many memories of perceived failures. I went from being a top area crossfitter to an unhappy, over-weight crossfit coach...a transformation paved by injuries, depression, and lots of alcohol. So, in my mind, a return to lifting would bring failure. And failure would ultimately lead me back to alcoholism. Drinking was the only way I knew how to deal with those situations.
Ulitimately, you do have to find something to fill those moments of boredom, aka put something in your hands besides drugs or a cold one. And the sooner the better. For me, it took some convincing that failure was not directly related to any type of athletic endeavour. The most important thing to remember is that alcoholism is a disease; a preoccupation with a substance, lack of control, and a way to hide from the world. So, I started with early morning rowing workouts, and the rest is history. There are many people that use lifting as a way to relieve stress, but I use it for pure enjoyment and peacefulness. It helps me clear my mind, re-focus my energy, and reach for goals that don't include an eighteen pack.
It is hard enough to try and help someone turn away from a life long addiction, but helping someone stay sober is more or less a monumental task. There are typically multiple emotional responses that trigger the knee jerk reaction to reach for a beer or a bottle of pills. Addicts have to have something else to reach for...a book, pen and paper to write, music, or a stack of weights. Finding that one hobby is essential in the recovery process. And it doesn't have to be something your good at, or used to enjoy. If your chosen hobby is something new, you will have plenty of time to perfect it. In addition, my last year of competeing in strongman and powerlifting has taught me how to deal with a lot of emotions, ups and downs, that I would have previously tucked away in a bottle of beer. It hasn't been easy, in fact, a lot has been pretty hard, but it has all been well worth the fight.
FYI...I really wanted to answer the initial question with "I'm going to Disney World". ;)
I was told multiple times by more than one person, you need to find a hobby. Hobby? My hobby was sitting on a barstool! Although true, that answer did not get me very far in my new way of living. Sitting on a barstool drinking diet soda will only make you the butt of every drunk guy's jokes. I know because I tried it. So, the next best item on the list was sports and lifting.
At first, I was pretty well set, and in fact, happy with my decision to never touch a weight again. It brought back to many memories of perceived failures. I went from being a top area crossfitter to an unhappy, over-weight crossfit coach...a transformation paved by injuries, depression, and lots of alcohol. So, in my mind, a return to lifting would bring failure. And failure would ultimately lead me back to alcoholism. Drinking was the only way I knew how to deal with those situations.
Ulitimately, you do have to find something to fill those moments of boredom, aka put something in your hands besides drugs or a cold one. And the sooner the better. For me, it took some convincing that failure was not directly related to any type of athletic endeavour. The most important thing to remember is that alcoholism is a disease; a preoccupation with a substance, lack of control, and a way to hide from the world. So, I started with early morning rowing workouts, and the rest is history. There are many people that use lifting as a way to relieve stress, but I use it for pure enjoyment and peacefulness. It helps me clear my mind, re-focus my energy, and reach for goals that don't include an eighteen pack.
It is hard enough to try and help someone turn away from a life long addiction, but helping someone stay sober is more or less a monumental task. There are typically multiple emotional responses that trigger the knee jerk reaction to reach for a beer or a bottle of pills. Addicts have to have something else to reach for...a book, pen and paper to write, music, or a stack of weights. Finding that one hobby is essential in the recovery process. And it doesn't have to be something your good at, or used to enjoy. If your chosen hobby is something new, you will have plenty of time to perfect it. In addition, my last year of competeing in strongman and powerlifting has taught me how to deal with a lot of emotions, ups and downs, that I would have previously tucked away in a bottle of beer. It hasn't been easy, in fact, a lot has been pretty hard, but it has all been well worth the fight.
FYI...I really wanted to answer the initial question with "I'm going to Disney World". ;)
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Non-Traditional
Gone are the days of the cheap plastic snowman on the front porch, faded orange lights in the windows made to look like candles, the boxes and boxes of meaningless Hallmark collectable ornaments, and the extra creepy angel with bed head that topped our tree. It was all very materialistic for the most part. Christmas still has plenty of meaning without these things.
Since high school, fall and winter holidays were more about spending quality time with friends and coaches. Commiting yourself to a sport, specifically basketball, meant that these holidays fell right into a big holiday tournament or the tune-up games before conference play started (the games that really count). As a collegiate coach, holiday tournaments were the optimal recruiting tool; which meant hitting the road to see as many players as possible before the team returned to campus.
In college, I learned to appreciate the non-traditional holiday festivities. One year I was stuck on campus due to really large chick from Trinity University clocking me in the eye. My vision was so blurred, I was unable to make the three hour drive home. A teammate invited me to her apartment, where her parents delivered some of the best homemade South Texas food I have ever had. Being stuck in Gettysburg, Pa during grad school, I enjoyed a traditional meal with my roommate's girlfriend (now wife) and her family, and then traveled back to G-Burg to see Toy Story at the movie theater. A movie?? Unheard of in my family.
And gifts...well, I always got loads of crap for Christmas, nothing memorable, with the exception of the one present I received from my grandparents every year. They worked hard for every dime they earned, and the fact that they would save up to spend money on me, well, it made every gift special. The year that my grandfather declared that my bike from Santa was the hardest thing to put together still makes me smile...Santa delivered it built. The only other thing I truly enjoyed was hanging the house lights with my dad. It was the one on one time, once a year, that I cherished...especially since it was a rarity.
Now days, the tree, collectable ornaments, and lights stay packed away in the attic. As long as I have the one person that means the world to me by my side, and the zoo of animals, I don't need all those other things. And I don't need a specific holiday to appreciate what I have. In the last eleven years, every holiday has been different...from cooking a turkey on an open fire at the Frio River and making a tree out of beer caps, to eating tamales at the lake house and smoking a Liga cigar, to doing absolutely nothing. Each and every holiday is just as special as the last...no decorations required.
Since high school, fall and winter holidays were more about spending quality time with friends and coaches. Commiting yourself to a sport, specifically basketball, meant that these holidays fell right into a big holiday tournament or the tune-up games before conference play started (the games that really count). As a collegiate coach, holiday tournaments were the optimal recruiting tool; which meant hitting the road to see as many players as possible before the team returned to campus.
In college, I learned to appreciate the non-traditional holiday festivities. One year I was stuck on campus due to really large chick from Trinity University clocking me in the eye. My vision was so blurred, I was unable to make the three hour drive home. A teammate invited me to her apartment, where her parents delivered some of the best homemade South Texas food I have ever had. Being stuck in Gettysburg, Pa during grad school, I enjoyed a traditional meal with my roommate's girlfriend (now wife) and her family, and then traveled back to G-Burg to see Toy Story at the movie theater. A movie?? Unheard of in my family.
And gifts...well, I always got loads of crap for Christmas, nothing memorable, with the exception of the one present I received from my grandparents every year. They worked hard for every dime they earned, and the fact that they would save up to spend money on me, well, it made every gift special. The year that my grandfather declared that my bike from Santa was the hardest thing to put together still makes me smile...Santa delivered it built. The only other thing I truly enjoyed was hanging the house lights with my dad. It was the one on one time, once a year, that I cherished...especially since it was a rarity.
Now days, the tree, collectable ornaments, and lights stay packed away in the attic. As long as I have the one person that means the world to me by my side, and the zoo of animals, I don't need all those other things. And I don't need a specific holiday to appreciate what I have. In the last eleven years, every holiday has been different...from cooking a turkey on an open fire at the Frio River and making a tree out of beer caps, to eating tamales at the lake house and smoking a Liga cigar, to doing absolutely nothing. Each and every holiday is just as special as the last...no decorations required.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Bend the Bar
Imagine for a moment:
Sixty or so people gathered around the platform, most have their phones in hand with cameras turned on...your name is announced, you wait at the back of the platform, hands chalked up...the bar is loaded and lowered to the floor...the judge lets you know the platform is ready, his hand is raised in the air...the crowd starts to cheer and yell your name...your eyes lock in on the bar, you take three steps to the bar and set your feet, you quickly bend and set your grip...you take a big deep breath and begin to pull.
With 551# loaded on the bar, an all-time world record is now in your hands.....
(Insert the sound of screeching tires)
Yeah, I was good with the visualization right up until the 551 pounds. I was one of the people in the crowd with my phone in hand and cheering loudly. And I have realistic goals, which currently do not include that kind of weight or any world records. Maybe some day.
At 41 years of age, Jill Mills made the most amazing deadlift attempt I have ever seen. It is one pull that people will talk about for months...maybe longer. Since the video and pictures have made it to the masses via Facebook, you probably know that the bar slipped out of her hands just shy of a full lockout. I watched the live version and have since watched the video at least twenty times. And each time, I quietly cheer for her to lock it out and set the record...like it is all happening for the first time. Even though the lift will not go into any record books, it was one hell of an ending to a long meet!
The best thing about it...officially retired or not, Jill is not done. Call it a comeback, call it perfect timing, call it what you want...but that record will be broken in the upcoming year. And personally, I can not wait to see it!!!
If you have not seen the lift, here it is...
http://youtu.be/Vq4_wIuWFkE
Kids do not try this at home...no matter how strong you think you are, you are not Jill Mills.
Sixty or so people gathered around the platform, most have their phones in hand with cameras turned on...your name is announced, you wait at the back of the platform, hands chalked up...the bar is loaded and lowered to the floor...the judge lets you know the platform is ready, his hand is raised in the air...the crowd starts to cheer and yell your name...your eyes lock in on the bar, you take three steps to the bar and set your feet, you quickly bend and set your grip...you take a big deep breath and begin to pull.
With 551# loaded on the bar, an all-time world record is now in your hands.....
(Insert the sound of screeching tires)
Yeah, I was good with the visualization right up until the 551 pounds. I was one of the people in the crowd with my phone in hand and cheering loudly. And I have realistic goals, which currently do not include that kind of weight or any world records. Maybe some day.
At 41 years of age, Jill Mills made the most amazing deadlift attempt I have ever seen. It is one pull that people will talk about for months...maybe longer. Since the video and pictures have made it to the masses via Facebook, you probably know that the bar slipped out of her hands just shy of a full lockout. I watched the live version and have since watched the video at least twenty times. And each time, I quietly cheer for her to lock it out and set the record...like it is all happening for the first time. Even though the lift will not go into any record books, it was one hell of an ending to a long meet!
The best thing about it...officially retired or not, Jill is not done. Call it a comeback, call it perfect timing, call it what you want...but that record will be broken in the upcoming year. And personally, I can not wait to see it!!!
If you have not seen the lift, here it is...
http://youtu.be/Vq4_wIuWFkE
Kids do not try this at home...no matter how strong you think you are, you are not Jill Mills.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
the Mental Game
For some odd reason, I chose to pursue psychology for my undergrad degree. And not your typical educational or lab-rat variety...my program was based in phenomenological psychology. It is what happens when psychology meets philosophy. I can feel my dumb jock image slipping through my hands as I type. Yes, I admit, I have fifteen plus hours in philosophy.
During the late '90's, my small University still had issues in various departments, psychology being one, with accepting athletes as "normal" students. There were still quite a few professors that did not want athletics on campus, and wanted to penalize student-athletes for missing class, or did not want them in their class at all. So, when I decided to write my thesis on "being in the zone" and achieving "peak performance" in sports, I was not sure if I was putting the final nail in my coffin or if I could make a subtle statement for change and acceptance for student-athletes.
The basis of my research came from descriptive accounts of professional athletes being in this particular moment during competition. I relied heavily on Greg Louganis' book "Breaking the Surface". Even if you don't particularly like Greg Louganis, or elite-level diving, his first hand accounts of the performance mind-set are well worth the read.
In any case, I could sit here and type out eight thousand factors that are required to achieve peak performance. And you would read through them, agree with some, and think about others...hell, you might even think some are complete crap. Ultimately, it would be a pretty boring and useless blog. Why? Because everyone is always searching for the missing piece, the one factor that will help carry them to the top of their game. The problem is this...there are so many factors, both intrinsic and extrinsic, that the piece usually missing is "you". In some ways, it is kind of like a diet, or training method...what may work for one, may not work for anyone else.
The "you" is the factor of knowing yourself; from your abilities, to what motivates you, to what helps you tune into your highest level of performance when needed. Knowing yourself also includes understanding and accepting your limitations, to what distractions may inhibit performance. When I played college ball, I had no defensive skill what so ever...with the exception of committing fouls. But what I didn't have, I made up for in scoring and rebounding. Going into a game, I would set the tone by knocking down 3pters in front of the other teams bench. I did this primarily to play a mind game. Was the coach now going to over look aspects of the game while worrying about me going off for forty points. It was worth a try! With that being said, I had enough faults in my game that it was possible to get in my head, and completely shut me down through frustration alone. A smaller player with quick hands and feet was the easiest way.
The simple fact is once you figure youself out, you are more likely to find those moments in competition where you are locked in and completely absorbed in your actions. You see things in slow motion. Movements seem to flow and appear effortless. And you can't recall anything around you, with the exception of your own skills at work. It is quite an experience yes, but takes a lot of preparation, work on and confidence in your skills.
I was always a team sport athlete, until I began competing in CrossFit in 2008. For me, the mindset is completely different, and something I am still getting used to. When you are surrounded by a team, your individual performance can be offset by the performance of those around you. But as an individual, you are on your own to get the job done. However, to achieve a high level of performance, it still begins with knowing and having confidence in your abilities, which is built through years of practice. I didn't become an accurate three point shooter overnight...that's for sure.
During the late '90's, my small University still had issues in various departments, psychology being one, with accepting athletes as "normal" students. There were still quite a few professors that did not want athletics on campus, and wanted to penalize student-athletes for missing class, or did not want them in their class at all. So, when I decided to write my thesis on "being in the zone" and achieving "peak performance" in sports, I was not sure if I was putting the final nail in my coffin or if I could make a subtle statement for change and acceptance for student-athletes.
The basis of my research came from descriptive accounts of professional athletes being in this particular moment during competition. I relied heavily on Greg Louganis' book "Breaking the Surface". Even if you don't particularly like Greg Louganis, or elite-level diving, his first hand accounts of the performance mind-set are well worth the read.
In any case, I could sit here and type out eight thousand factors that are required to achieve peak performance. And you would read through them, agree with some, and think about others...hell, you might even think some are complete crap. Ultimately, it would be a pretty boring and useless blog. Why? Because everyone is always searching for the missing piece, the one factor that will help carry them to the top of their game. The problem is this...there are so many factors, both intrinsic and extrinsic, that the piece usually missing is "you". In some ways, it is kind of like a diet, or training method...what may work for one, may not work for anyone else.
The "you" is the factor of knowing yourself; from your abilities, to what motivates you, to what helps you tune into your highest level of performance when needed. Knowing yourself also includes understanding and accepting your limitations, to what distractions may inhibit performance. When I played college ball, I had no defensive skill what so ever...with the exception of committing fouls. But what I didn't have, I made up for in scoring and rebounding. Going into a game, I would set the tone by knocking down 3pters in front of the other teams bench. I did this primarily to play a mind game. Was the coach now going to over look aspects of the game while worrying about me going off for forty points. It was worth a try! With that being said, I had enough faults in my game that it was possible to get in my head, and completely shut me down through frustration alone. A smaller player with quick hands and feet was the easiest way.
The simple fact is once you figure youself out, you are more likely to find those moments in competition where you are locked in and completely absorbed in your actions. You see things in slow motion. Movements seem to flow and appear effortless. And you can't recall anything around you, with the exception of your own skills at work. It is quite an experience yes, but takes a lot of preparation, work on and confidence in your skills.
I was always a team sport athlete, until I began competing in CrossFit in 2008. For me, the mindset is completely different, and something I am still getting used to. When you are surrounded by a team, your individual performance can be offset by the performance of those around you. But as an individual, you are on your own to get the job done. However, to achieve a high level of performance, it still begins with knowing and having confidence in your abilities, which is built through years of practice. I didn't become an accurate three point shooter overnight...that's for sure.
B double E double R U N
I almost caved...to stress, to pressure, to searching for a resolution under time constraints...but I didn't. It would have been the easy way out, yes. But would I have taken the correct steps in helping to rectify the situation, no. In fact, beer would have only made the situation worse, and deep down I knew that. I just had to take time, sit down, and sort through all of my feelings and thoughts.
When a loved one is put into a potential dangerous and harmful situation, for me, there is nothing I wouldn't do. Literally. Although I can not go into any detail about the events, just take a moment to think about your worst fears coming true. And those fears directly affecting your best friend, the one person you love more than any thing in the world.
Anger is my achilles heal, which I will discuss more in another blog. It is typically my first response, my first reaction, if you will, to a situation in which a friend's well-being is threatened. I have battled with anger for the majority of my life. Let me define my anger for you. First, it is not linked in any way to frustration. Missing a lift is frustrating, cleaning up after people at work is frustrating, forgetting to dry your work clothes is frustrating. For me, anger is an emotion that occurs like the flip of a switch, some times resulting in irrational responses such as punching the closest inanimate object, to uncontrollable tears and trembling hands. Other times, clinching my jaw so much that it hurts the next day. The majority of the time, I get blind-sided by my anger. I am a very laid back person by nature, but when a certain button gets pushed repeatedly, I let it build up, although I have no feelings of it building up, and it ends in a grand explosion. It is all a very quick process. How long does it take your vehicle to go from zero to sixty? That is how my anger works.
For example, years back I was with three friends at a bar playing pool. Three chicks sat down at a table close to the pool table, and immediately started making rude comments about my friends. Granted we were an odd four-some...two of us in workout clothes and two in business suits, with an age difference of about 10-12 years. One chick would not stop with her comments, just loud enough for me to hear. Before anyone else knew what was going on, I threw my pool stick on the table, leaned down in her face, and asked her what the fuck her problem was. I told her to fucking stand up if she wanted to say anything else, and before I knew it her 5'4" boyfriend was in my face...or chest rather. Her boyfriend, the bouncer, told me to leave. I insulted her and her boyfriend a few more times, turned and punched the back of a chair, knocking almost everything on the table to the floor, and headed for the door. Once outside, I threw a handful of quarters into the parking lot and then drove home...cooling down on the way.
Last weekend my protective nature leading to an explosion of anger was exposed again. This time I had no control of the situation, and once I began to put the pieces together that lead to a very unexpected outcome, my car door paid the price. And then my tires, as I peeled out of the parking lot like some teenager showing off a newly discovered talent. During moments like this, my first thought is that beer will help. I actually went as far as to pull off at a gas station with the intention of purchasing beer. And it wasn't a moment of rationality that stopped me...it was, instead, the tears streaming down my face. Hell, I can't expose my soft side in public! :)
This day ended with a good outcome, partially because there always seems to be someone out there slapping me in the back of the head when I face moments like these, and partially because of the support system that surrounds me. If it were not for a great friend from Dallas and one man that cares more about people than making a shit ton of money, I am not sure where I would be or what would have happened. As far as my anger goes, it is something that I work on every day...to understand and control. And if you read this far, don't worry, it is highly unlikely that you will ever see me explode...most people haven't.
When a loved one is put into a potential dangerous and harmful situation, for me, there is nothing I wouldn't do. Literally. Although I can not go into any detail about the events, just take a moment to think about your worst fears coming true. And those fears directly affecting your best friend, the one person you love more than any thing in the world.
Anger is my achilles heal, which I will discuss more in another blog. It is typically my first response, my first reaction, if you will, to a situation in which a friend's well-being is threatened. I have battled with anger for the majority of my life. Let me define my anger for you. First, it is not linked in any way to frustration. Missing a lift is frustrating, cleaning up after people at work is frustrating, forgetting to dry your work clothes is frustrating. For me, anger is an emotion that occurs like the flip of a switch, some times resulting in irrational responses such as punching the closest inanimate object, to uncontrollable tears and trembling hands. Other times, clinching my jaw so much that it hurts the next day. The majority of the time, I get blind-sided by my anger. I am a very laid back person by nature, but when a certain button gets pushed repeatedly, I let it build up, although I have no feelings of it building up, and it ends in a grand explosion. It is all a very quick process. How long does it take your vehicle to go from zero to sixty? That is how my anger works.
For example, years back I was with three friends at a bar playing pool. Three chicks sat down at a table close to the pool table, and immediately started making rude comments about my friends. Granted we were an odd four-some...two of us in workout clothes and two in business suits, with an age difference of about 10-12 years. One chick would not stop with her comments, just loud enough for me to hear. Before anyone else knew what was going on, I threw my pool stick on the table, leaned down in her face, and asked her what the fuck her problem was. I told her to fucking stand up if she wanted to say anything else, and before I knew it her 5'4" boyfriend was in my face...or chest rather. Her boyfriend, the bouncer, told me to leave. I insulted her and her boyfriend a few more times, turned and punched the back of a chair, knocking almost everything on the table to the floor, and headed for the door. Once outside, I threw a handful of quarters into the parking lot and then drove home...cooling down on the way.
Last weekend my protective nature leading to an explosion of anger was exposed again. This time I had no control of the situation, and once I began to put the pieces together that lead to a very unexpected outcome, my car door paid the price. And then my tires, as I peeled out of the parking lot like some teenager showing off a newly discovered talent. During moments like this, my first thought is that beer will help. I actually went as far as to pull off at a gas station with the intention of purchasing beer. And it wasn't a moment of rationality that stopped me...it was, instead, the tears streaming down my face. Hell, I can't expose my soft side in public! :)
This day ended with a good outcome, partially because there always seems to be someone out there slapping me in the back of the head when I face moments like these, and partially because of the support system that surrounds me. If it were not for a great friend from Dallas and one man that cares more about people than making a shit ton of money, I am not sure where I would be or what would have happened. As far as my anger goes, it is something that I work on every day...to understand and control. And if you read this far, don't worry, it is highly unlikely that you will ever see me explode...most people haven't.
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