Early Thoughts on Sobriety

Just about a year ago, and around five and a half months into my sobriety, I was asked to start keeping a handwritten journal about my day or what I was thinking on that day.  I remember, at the time, my response was...that's the dumbest idea ever.  I am way to old for this shit.  And as much as I hated it at the time, it served as a great learning tool.  Recently, I opened it back up and read some of it...the two following entries were typed up as originally written.  Both are similar in the fact that I was searching for answers and meaning in regards to what I was going through...in addition to the under lying theme "is it really worth it".  Was it worth it?  Yes, sobriety is worth every damn step.   

No date:  “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.” Mark Twain 

What does lonely feel like to me?  In the last four months, I have done two of the most difficult things in my life: 1. I asked for help 2. I gave up drinking.  Both are things that I never thought I would see or experience in my lifetime.  In the process, I have opened myself up to so many new thoughts and feeling but have lost the one thing that has been helping me deal with all of these things since I was a kid.  My perfect world of understanding – however skewed it may have been - has crashed down on me and buried me in a thick pile of shit.  And as I try to re-establish any sense of understanding – however small or large – I find myself unsure and uncomfortable with the new me and this re-directed way of thinking.  There was the old me – held together by super glue.  No one could see the cracks and if part broke would be easy to reassemble – the glue was always handy.  Or that piece would be swept under the rug and replaced.  Now, I am held together with cheap crappy Office Depot tape that needs a small miracle to hold anything together and exposes obvious damage. 

No date:  “It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.” Lena Horne 

Asking for help is completely against my nature.  It shows weakness, vulnerability, a fault, an imperfection.  I have faults and imperfections but I am not about to let everyone know about them.  When I am faced with an obstacle, I figure the shit out and overcome – typically by myself – without help.  As a kid I taught myself the basics of hygiene, how to shoot a basketball, how to play the role of a dumb jock and do less school work.  You name it.  It’s survival of the fittest right?  Find your niche and become the best at it.  Lifting something heavy constitutes asking for help – heavy as impossible to move on your own.  Where there is a will there is a way – problem solving 101.  Can others ask for help?  Of course.  Are they weak if they do? Absolutely not.  So what is the difference in the way I see myself?  It is an expectation.  I was self taught as far back as I can remember – I think back then it was referred to as independence – aka leave mom and dad alone and figure it out on your own.  Something caused me to stop asking a long time ago.  It is definitely a trait I don’t think will ever change – although I never thought I would stop drinking either.