I stumbled on this quote just the other day. I do not know how I have managed to miss it,
but it describes my road to recovery to a t!
As I sat and thought about my moment in life at the bottom, I figured I
should put it on paper. Maybe somehow,
somewhere it will reach another individual in a similar situation and they
might be able to avoid this life altering/shattering moment all-together. Who knows?
If nothing else, it might just be an entertaining morning read with a
cup of coffee…or Big Red Zero and some cookies.
First let me say this: rock bottom is NOT a place that any
one would or wants to be…it is quite simply…horrible. And depending on how you deal with it can
either become the end your life or a new beginning. Months prior, I had been encouraged to seek
help in dealing with past problems…aka years and years of issues that I thought
would be better kept inside and covered in a thick layer of alcohol. But being the completely hard headed and
stubborn person that I am, it took one moment, at the lowest point in my life,
for me to say enough is enough. Was I
surprised when it happened…absolutely not.
My glorious day was a Saturday morning. I had jumped in the shower to get ready for
work when it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I literally felt as if the ceiling was caving in on me and I was buried
underneath the rubble. The weight of my
problems was heavier than any back squat I have ever attempted for sure. I can not pin-point exactly what was going
through my head except for the phrase “how could I let it get this bad”. I sat down in the shower and cried. I did not even attempt to get up until the
shower turned cold. Cold showers really
aren’t my thing so I managed to crawl out and text my boss a slightly
abbreviated version of what was really going on. At this point, he did know I was battling
depression and was and always has been completely supportive. There are a lot of people who do not have the
luxury of that kind of support in the work place and I am beyond grateful that
I did…and still do.
I made a short, fairly unproductive visit to work several
hours later and decided it was best to take some time off. I knew first hand what my body was going to
go through by taking away large amounts of alcohol and would need several days
to go through the detox process. Here I
will refrain from describing the process because it isn’t pretty by an means. Although somehow, my body responded a lot
better than I ever imagined and I was only in bed sick as a dog for two
days. I believe it was my body saying
thank you…and finally getting the rest it actually needed.
I made plans (no one knew of these plans but me) to cut off
all beer and alcohol on Monday morning…giving me three full days before I had
to be back at work on Thursday. So
Sunday I took full advantage and drank myself into oblivion…like any good drunk
or person with an addiction, you have to have time to say goodbye to what has
carried you through the vast majority of your life. I chugged my last beer around 2am or so and
that was it. I woke up Monday morning
with my final buzz and lived up to my promise to myself. I announced my plan to one person and to be
honest neither of us believed it would last.
Beer was such a dominate figure in my life, I was even betting against
myself. I should have played the lottery
that day or at least bet on a 60-1 long shot at the track.
Rock bottom has a lot of different meaning to people with
addiction. Many end up in jail, ruining their marriage, or even more
devastating, keep living the life of addiction because of lack of support or
will power to change it. And somehow,
through it all, my rock bottom was the best thing that ever happened to me…surprisingly
with no jail time.
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