Due to years and years of drinking, there are a lot of parts of my childhood that have either temporarily or permanently disappeared from my memory. I may stumble on a picture and recall the events that took place, or a dream might bring back some forgotten moment in time. But otherwise, I remember the negative parts of my family life, and believe it or not a lot of my completely obliterated moments. My assumption is that when you spend most of your time drunk, you are inevitably going to remember quite a bit of it.
Right around the years that I began to explore the world with a buzz, one of my most negative and unforgiving moments occurred. It also led to an increased volume in drinking. I was still a few years shy of becoming a teenager, and spent my Saturday mornings as any child would...in front of the television watching cartoons. I can even remember that I was laying in front of the tv on my left side with my head propped up in my hand. My mom had been on my case all morning about taking some left over Christmas boxes to the storage shed out back of our house. "In a minute, mom."...the infamous catch phrase that typically ended in an arguement or excessive sreaming match. Things quieted down and I continued with my saturday morning entertainment.
Several minutes later, I heard a faint cry for help. I went to the back door to find my mom sitting in the grass, angry and in tears. She told me to go find help. I went to the neighbors house and found their yard guy. He followed me to the back yard and subsequently called an ambulance as well as my dad. Both arrived at the house right around the same time and my dad and I followed the ambulance to the hospital. I don't remember anything about the car ride except for my dad running red lights.
My mom had decided to take one of the boxes out to the shed. She stepped in a rather deep hole in the back yard and literally crushed her ankle. In surgery, the doctor said the bone fell out like saw dust...quite an image for a kid. Six screws, two pins, and a steel plate later it was rebuilt. The horrifying screams from the emergency room still ring in my ears.
It is a moment in life I will never forget...and wasn't allowed to. Everyone in my family blamed me for the accident. "Why didn't YOU take the boxes to the shed?"...or "if you had just done what your mother told you to do". And, in turn, I was very unforgiving to myself. I spent my mom's recovery time catering to her every need as well as drinking whatever I could get my hands on.
"This would have never happened if it wasn't for you."
It would not be the last time I heard that phrase, which turned into a "you owe me for life" understanding within the walls of my house. For all the physical pain I had caused, it would be returned time and time again in the form of mental pain. And drinking allowed me to be happy.
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