Blinders

When your drunk all the time, you lose sight of what your loved ones see you go through every day. Just like the ponies at the track that wear blinders, you have one sole purpose: to strategically get from one drink to the next without distraction.  Most of my excessive drinking was done at home, especially the worse it got.  But on the days that I had to be somewhere, I had already mapped out convenient stops along the way to refresh my beverage of choice and consume most of it in my car. 

One thing that it is important to note is this: I was a lifelong drinker.  So when I did go out to eat or chill at a bar, it was not uncommon for me to go through 12-18 beers at one sitting and be able to walk out like I was sober.  That was just average for me.  At my worst, I would wake up in the morning and finish a six pack for breakfast.  Or I would mix a vodka drink in a 32oz plastic cup, and be on my second one in a matter of minutes. 

However, as a functioning alcoholic, people that do not see you on a daily basis rarely have any inclination as to how bad it really is.  Any addiction is a cause for concern to someone close to you, if they know it IS truly an addiction, but talking to an addict about how much they consume can go in one ear and out the other pretty easily...especially if they are functional throughout the day.  But when you see those words in writing and truly feel what they were or are also feeling...well, then it becomes something different.  For me, it was more of an eye opener as to how bad things really were. 

After losing my job as a collegiate Head Basketball Coach:
“She sat on the couch for six months and drank.  She was not drinking beer though; instead, she was drinking vodka along with other hard liquor.  After six months of that I told her to get off the couch and get a job.  She resented me for making her do it.” 

Once I admitted that I felt like my body was shutting down (at this point, about once a month or so I would be so sick that I wouldn't get out of bed for days at a time...but as soon as I felt better it was right back to drinking): 
“…she began to experience high levels of anxiety and physical illness.  She soon became a person I did not even recognize.  I kept trying to convince her to get some help.  I knew of a therapist who dealt with alcoholism, and I tried to connect them on more than one occasion.  But, she was not ready for help.”

Approximately six months prior to hanging up the bottle:
“(She) was just not getting better, mentally or physically.  She started to miss work regularly, and I would literally drive home from school wondering if I would find her dead or alive.  I was worried that the combination of her physical and mental condition was serious enough to take its ultimate toll on her, or that she just might take her own life.”

Clean and sober:
“(She) has been the biggest inspiration to me, as she has now been sober (with no relapses) for 15 months.  Her internal strength provides the foundation for my will to stay sober.  I also never want to let her down or cause her to relapse. “

Personally, I like the last one the best.

Support System

 

I am not a big believer in group therapy, such as AA.  I did not use it nor will I promote it, although I do believe that some people may benefit from it.  It is just my choice and I know I do not respond well to various people that I do not know patting me on the back, praying for me, or giving me advise on life.  In fact, put me in a group of people and I will either not say a damn thing or I will be the one to crack all the jokes at the wrong time or just be an asshole.  So, I chose to attack my alcoholic problems by myself, but not without a handful of people, new friends and old, that have come into my life at exactly the right time.  I was not naïve in the fact that I did know I needed some help.  Where was it going to come from? That was the question that time would answer.    

My best friend has always been there for me.  She knows me better than I know myself, and knows what to say when…from letting me crash and burn when needed, to picking me up.  There is no way in the world I could have undertaken this enormous task without the support of the one constant in my life.  If you are one of those people that have to deal with a loved one with an addiction, I can honestly say, for my situation, it was handled 100% in the correct manner.  I had to decide for myself that it was time to quit, and after twenty plus years of drinking, no one ever saw it coming from me.  There was no push, no intervention, no dumping out bottles, no I am going to walk away if you don’t quit situations.  It was me and my decision.  Although it was needed, for my health and sanity, I was allowed to do it on my terms.  Even though “my terms” was originally a bet to see how long it would actually last.  And I would be the first to tell you, it won’t.  I had made that critical decision more than once in my life and failed, but on one morning in particular…I would not fail.  In addition, I have never had to ask for support, its just there…all the time.  This person is the essential part of any recovery program, whether it be a best friend, family member, co-worker...as long as it is someone who truly knows the real you.

I began therapy before I quit drinking to deal with the issues that caused me to drown myself in alcohol in the first place.  Prior to my first session, I chugged three 16oz beers just to calm my nerves and be able to open up a little bit.  My second session, I was wasted.  I started drinking at 8am, my appointment was at 2pm and kept drinking the rest of the day.  She had no idea…that shows you right there how “functional” I really was as an alcoholic.  And it was not her first day on the job by any means.  By my third session I had sobered up for good, and began to do work.  She has single handedly helped me through some extreme rough points in my early months of sobriety.  From depression, to thoughts of suicide, to anger, to being a failure, to piecing my life back together one day at a time…she has heard it all and provided me with countless solutions and ways to get through each scenario.  I can say that without a doubt, I would not have made it this far without her.    

As with any type of addiction recovery, you are always encouraged to find something to do, something you love and have a passion for…a distraction, a release, whatever you want to call it.  Mine had always been sports and lifting.  I played basketball, soccer and volleyball in college and turned to CrossFit in 2008 as a means to stay in shape and feel that competitive edge again.  I competed in the CrossFit Games in 2009 in Aromas as an individual and regional competition in 2010 with a team.  By this time, I had minor injuries that were keeping me from being 100% all the time, so I hung it up as a competitor and turned to the only thing I knew would help, beer.  As my drinking got worse, I walked away from any and all things athletic shortly after that competition.  I began to realize that I needed to get my shit together and being around the gym where I was no longer competitive was not helping.  To me, it was seeing failure first hand day in and out.  So I drank more.

The first day I decided to attack a morning workout, sober, was the first day of the rest of my life.  I could feel that passion deep inside and had to find a way to pull it out.  I spent several months doing things on my own and researching every thing I could about powerlifting.  I knew I could rebuild my bench press to be respectable and I love to deadlift.  The third element of powerlifting is the squat, and in my mind, two outta three wasn’t bad.  Injuries had kept me from squatting for quit a while and I really had no desire to ever squat again. 

As with anything competitive, I hit a point where I need a coach, someone to teach me the ins and outs of the sport, critique me, and best of all kick me in the ass.  I have had some great young coaches in my athletic career and the best ones always pulled things out of me by doing just that.  So, I did my research.  I found the best of the best when it came to competitive and knowledgeable women in lifting and shot her an e-mail.  I’m not gonna lie the quick response kind of scared me a little bit.  I set up an appointment to discuss my goals and show her where I was in my three lifts.  In one session, I learned that I need to tweak my bench form, no problem there, my deadlift form was horrible, and I had no leg strength.  Years of not squatting because of injury had turned my squat to shit, which I was well aware of, as well as my deadlift.  But after one session I was hooked.  It was simply her passion for lifting and her passion to teach…and her ability to kick me in the ass from day one.  Long story short, I had found a person that was going to keep me on my path to recovery, even though she had no idea. 

I could have easily walked away from the challenge that I was about to undertake, but that is not me, not how I operate.  Challenge me to a drinking competition and I would have never backed down.  Challenge me to get stronger and become a better lifter…I am not backing down from that either.                  

So all in all, this was and still is my support system.  Adding to this list, I received a huge amount of support from several co-workers through my hardest moments.  Not many have a boss/friend that was as understanding and supportive as mine.  I was extremely lucky in this department.  The simple fact that I have some of the most caring and supportive co-workers is beyond what I can write or say about them.  When I was at rock bottom, they still showed me love and support.  It is important to note that these are not people that I met overnight, most had known me for years.   

And I can not forget the friends from near and far, old and new who sent me messages of support.  They always made me smile on days when I needed it most.  I still battle issues with anger, frustration, and depression, although they are a lot less frequent, and deal with those moments as they happen.  But my life without alcohol has been amazing to say the least.  I am alive…physically and mentally and extremely appreciative of everyone and everything that has gotten me this far in my new journey.