I am one of the lucky ones. I escaped addiction. In March of 2012, I hung up my frosty beer mug for good. In doing so, I closed the book on a 25+ year journey of covering up all the emotions, losses, and painful aspects of life; and in turn, built a brand new path toward the unknown.
The unknown has had its share of pain, a tremendous amount of learning, and some speed bumps that could drop the transmission out of a small car. But I have taken every step and, at times, hung on for dear life. With the help of a wonderful support crew, my windy and bumpy path has been lighted with purpose and evolved into a much more manageable road. Every day is a new adventure and I truly look forward to waking up, watching the sun rise, and tackling every thing that comes my way.
I have also found a passion, the same one that began to fade just prior to the 2009 CrossFit Games. My passion was renewed in October of 2012 when I met a trainer that has lived the positive and negative of life and sports...and embraced it all. It is a lifestyle that I once could not begin to comprehend. It began with the "simple" goal of lifting heavy, and by March of 2013, turned toward becoming the best lifter and strongwoman I could possibly be. Yes, it can be considered a hobby, but to me, it is much more. Lifting has become a part of my life that has provided purpose, goals, job opportunities, and numerous friendships.
During the summer of 2013, I went way out of my comfort zone by traveling to California to compete in a strongwoman contest. Although I was disappointed with my performance, I came away with a bigger understanding of myself than I could ever imagine. I also met people that shared my passion. One of those friendships has led me to a competition in south central Washington. My roomate in California was such a warm, caring, and all around wonderful person, that I did not hesitate to book my flight to the north in the dead of winter. And I am not a fan of freezing temperatures. The competition itself includes events that are heavy, and for the most part, completely out of my wheel house. So why am I going? To reconnect with a family of strongwomen that have positively impacted my life, and to meet the rest of the women that make up this one of a kind group. Don't get me wrong, I am not traveling that far to lose. But in the midst of competition, there is something greater to embrace. If by chance I do get my ass handed to me, then I know I will be returning home with new life experiences and a larger strongman/woman family. And I am sure new event techniques to work on and strategies to contemplate.
With that being said, I have about four loads of laundry to finish and a bag to pack. I plan to post a competition recap when I return...provided my warm weather ass doesn't freeze to death. :D
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Thursday, December 5, 2013
B double E double R U N
I almost caved...to stress, to pressure, to searching for a resolution under time constraints...but I didn't. It would have been the easy way out, yes. But would I have taken the correct steps in helping to rectify the situation, no. In fact, beer would have only made the situation worse, and deep down I knew that. I just had to take time, sit down, and sort through all of my feelings and thoughts.
When a loved one is put into a potential dangerous and harmful situation, for me, there is nothing I wouldn't do. Literally. Although I can not go into any detail about the events, just take a moment to think about your worst fears coming true. And those fears directly affecting your best friend, the one person you love more than any thing in the world.
Anger is my achilles heal, which I will discuss more in another blog. It is typically my first response, my first reaction, if you will, to a situation in which a friend's well-being is threatened. I have battled with anger for the majority of my life. Let me define my anger for you. First, it is not linked in any way to frustration. Missing a lift is frustrating, cleaning up after people at work is frustrating, forgetting to dry your work clothes is frustrating. For me, anger is an emotion that occurs like the flip of a switch, some times resulting in irrational responses such as punching the closest inanimate object, to uncontrollable tears and trembling hands. Other times, clinching my jaw so much that it hurts the next day. The majority of the time, I get blind-sided by my anger. I am a very laid back person by nature, but when a certain button gets pushed repeatedly, I let it build up, although I have no feelings of it building up, and it ends in a grand explosion. It is all a very quick process. How long does it take your vehicle to go from zero to sixty? That is how my anger works.
For example, years back I was with three friends at a bar playing pool. Three chicks sat down at a table close to the pool table, and immediately started making rude comments about my friends. Granted we were an odd four-some...two of us in workout clothes and two in business suits, with an age difference of about 10-12 years. One chick would not stop with her comments, just loud enough for me to hear. Before anyone else knew what was going on, I threw my pool stick on the table, leaned down in her face, and asked her what the fuck her problem was. I told her to fucking stand up if she wanted to say anything else, and before I knew it her 5'4" boyfriend was in my face...or chest rather. Her boyfriend, the bouncer, told me to leave. I insulted her and her boyfriend a few more times, turned and punched the back of a chair, knocking almost everything on the table to the floor, and headed for the door. Once outside, I threw a handful of quarters into the parking lot and then drove home...cooling down on the way.
Last weekend my protective nature leading to an explosion of anger was exposed again. This time I had no control of the situation, and once I began to put the pieces together that lead to a very unexpected outcome, my car door paid the price. And then my tires, as I peeled out of the parking lot like some teenager showing off a newly discovered talent. During moments like this, my first thought is that beer will help. I actually went as far as to pull off at a gas station with the intention of purchasing beer. And it wasn't a moment of rationality that stopped me...it was, instead, the tears streaming down my face. Hell, I can't expose my soft side in public! :)
This day ended with a good outcome, partially because there always seems to be someone out there slapping me in the back of the head when I face moments like these, and partially because of the support system that surrounds me. If it were not for a great friend from Dallas and one man that cares more about people than making a shit ton of money, I am not sure where I would be or what would have happened. As far as my anger goes, it is something that I work on every day...to understand and control. And if you read this far, don't worry, it is highly unlikely that you will ever see me explode...most people haven't.
When a loved one is put into a potential dangerous and harmful situation, for me, there is nothing I wouldn't do. Literally. Although I can not go into any detail about the events, just take a moment to think about your worst fears coming true. And those fears directly affecting your best friend, the one person you love more than any thing in the world.
Anger is my achilles heal, which I will discuss more in another blog. It is typically my first response, my first reaction, if you will, to a situation in which a friend's well-being is threatened. I have battled with anger for the majority of my life. Let me define my anger for you. First, it is not linked in any way to frustration. Missing a lift is frustrating, cleaning up after people at work is frustrating, forgetting to dry your work clothes is frustrating. For me, anger is an emotion that occurs like the flip of a switch, some times resulting in irrational responses such as punching the closest inanimate object, to uncontrollable tears and trembling hands. Other times, clinching my jaw so much that it hurts the next day. The majority of the time, I get blind-sided by my anger. I am a very laid back person by nature, but when a certain button gets pushed repeatedly, I let it build up, although I have no feelings of it building up, and it ends in a grand explosion. It is all a very quick process. How long does it take your vehicle to go from zero to sixty? That is how my anger works.
For example, years back I was with three friends at a bar playing pool. Three chicks sat down at a table close to the pool table, and immediately started making rude comments about my friends. Granted we were an odd four-some...two of us in workout clothes and two in business suits, with an age difference of about 10-12 years. One chick would not stop with her comments, just loud enough for me to hear. Before anyone else knew what was going on, I threw my pool stick on the table, leaned down in her face, and asked her what the fuck her problem was. I told her to fucking stand up if she wanted to say anything else, and before I knew it her 5'4" boyfriend was in my face...or chest rather. Her boyfriend, the bouncer, told me to leave. I insulted her and her boyfriend a few more times, turned and punched the back of a chair, knocking almost everything on the table to the floor, and headed for the door. Once outside, I threw a handful of quarters into the parking lot and then drove home...cooling down on the way.
Last weekend my protective nature leading to an explosion of anger was exposed again. This time I had no control of the situation, and once I began to put the pieces together that lead to a very unexpected outcome, my car door paid the price. And then my tires, as I peeled out of the parking lot like some teenager showing off a newly discovered talent. During moments like this, my first thought is that beer will help. I actually went as far as to pull off at a gas station with the intention of purchasing beer. And it wasn't a moment of rationality that stopped me...it was, instead, the tears streaming down my face. Hell, I can't expose my soft side in public! :)
This day ended with a good outcome, partially because there always seems to be someone out there slapping me in the back of the head when I face moments like these, and partially because of the support system that surrounds me. If it were not for a great friend from Dallas and one man that cares more about people than making a shit ton of money, I am not sure where I would be or what would have happened. As far as my anger goes, it is something that I work on every day...to understand and control. And if you read this far, don't worry, it is highly unlikely that you will ever see me explode...most people haven't.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Blinders
When your drunk all the time, you lose sight of what your
loved ones see you go through every day. Just like the ponies at the track that wear blinders, you have one sole purpose: to strategically get from one drink to the next without distraction. Most of my excessive drinking was done at home, especially the worse it got. But on the days that I had to be somewhere, I had already mapped out convenient stops along the way to refresh my beverage of choice and consume most of it in my car.
One thing that it is important to note is this: I was a lifelong drinker. So when I did go out to eat or chill at a bar, it was not uncommon for me to go through 12-18 beers at one sitting and be able to walk out like I was sober. That was just average for me. At my worst, I would wake up in the morning and finish a six pack for breakfast. Or I would mix a vodka drink in a 32oz plastic cup, and be on my second one in a matter of minutes.
However, as a functioning alcoholic, people that do not see you on a daily basis rarely have any inclination as to how bad it really is. Any addiction is a cause for concern to someone close to you, if they know it IS truly an addiction, but talking to an addict about how much they consume can go in one ear and out the other pretty easily...especially if they are functional throughout the day. But when you see those words in writing and truly feel what they were or are also feeling...well, then it becomes something different. For me, it was more of an eye opener as to how bad things really were.
After losing my job as a collegiate Head Basketball Coach:
“She sat on the couch for six months and drank. She was not drinking beer though; instead, she was drinking vodka along with other hard liquor. After six months of that I told her to get off the couch and get a job. She resented me for making her do it.”
Once I admitted that I felt like my body was shutting down (at this point, about once a month or so I would be so sick that I wouldn't get out of bed for days at a time...but as soon as I felt better it was right back to drinking):
“…she began to experience high levels of anxiety and physical illness. She soon became a person I did not even recognize. I kept trying to convince her to get some help. I knew of a therapist who dealt with alcoholism, and I tried to connect them on more than one occasion. But, she was not ready for help.”
Approximately six months prior to hanging up the bottle:
“(She) was just not getting better, mentally or physically. She started to miss work regularly, and I would literally drive home from school wondering if I would find her dead or alive. I was worried that the combination of her physical and mental condition was serious enough to take its ultimate toll on her, or that she just might take her own life.”
Clean and sober:
“(She) has been the biggest inspiration to me, as she has now been sober (with no relapses) for 15 months. Her internal strength provides the foundation for my will to stay sober. I also never want to let her down or cause her to relapse. “
Personally, I like the last one the best.
One thing that it is important to note is this: I was a lifelong drinker. So when I did go out to eat or chill at a bar, it was not uncommon for me to go through 12-18 beers at one sitting and be able to walk out like I was sober. That was just average for me. At my worst, I would wake up in the morning and finish a six pack for breakfast. Or I would mix a vodka drink in a 32oz plastic cup, and be on my second one in a matter of minutes.
However, as a functioning alcoholic, people that do not see you on a daily basis rarely have any inclination as to how bad it really is. Any addiction is a cause for concern to someone close to you, if they know it IS truly an addiction, but talking to an addict about how much they consume can go in one ear and out the other pretty easily...especially if they are functional throughout the day. But when you see those words in writing and truly feel what they were or are also feeling...well, then it becomes something different. For me, it was more of an eye opener as to how bad things really were.
After losing my job as a collegiate Head Basketball Coach:
“She sat on the couch for six months and drank. She was not drinking beer though; instead, she was drinking vodka along with other hard liquor. After six months of that I told her to get off the couch and get a job. She resented me for making her do it.”
Once I admitted that I felt like my body was shutting down (at this point, about once a month or so I would be so sick that I wouldn't get out of bed for days at a time...but as soon as I felt better it was right back to drinking):
“…she began to experience high levels of anxiety and physical illness. She soon became a person I did not even recognize. I kept trying to convince her to get some help. I knew of a therapist who dealt with alcoholism, and I tried to connect them on more than one occasion. But, she was not ready for help.”
Approximately six months prior to hanging up the bottle:
“(She) was just not getting better, mentally or physically. She started to miss work regularly, and I would literally drive home from school wondering if I would find her dead or alive. I was worried that the combination of her physical and mental condition was serious enough to take its ultimate toll on her, or that she just might take her own life.”
Clean and sober:
“(She) has been the biggest inspiration to me, as she has now been sober (with no relapses) for 15 months. Her internal strength provides the foundation for my will to stay sober. I also never want to let her down or cause her to relapse. “
Personally, I like the last one the best.
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