Unrelenting

Unrelenting:  1. Used to describe someone who does something in a constant and determined way without stopping or becoming less forceful.  2. Not yielding in strength, severity, or determination.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I thought I had finally done just enough to destroy my life; mentally, physically, emotionally...and every other "ally" word you can think of.  But with help, I made a huge change in my life...and I can officially say, I have taken my life back.

This year has been absolutely amazing, and I apologize for not keeping my blog up to date in recent months...especially to those interested in learning what an addict is capable of...if and when they decide to clean up their life.  And yes, it is possible to be successful in recovery.  It is an undefined process of self-discovery, which will redefine everything you once knew.

The biggest key to my success has been finding various hobbies in which I never lose interest.  Strongman and powerlifting have effectively filled that role, with the addition of various creative pursuits geared for down time at home.  From lifting, to writing, to fixing and building things, to drawing, they all share one thing in common...there is no absolute, final end result.  Meaning there are in infinite number of weights to lift, techniques to learn in building and drawing, and subjects to write about.

Up until age 14, I spent hours in the evenings, after it was too dark to play outside, doing creative projects.  I traded my coloring books for a drawing tablet, and sketched whatever came to mind.  One of my favorites to this day is a black and white of Bill Laimbeer, that I replicated from an ad for shaving cream (could have been razors?).  And remember the good old science/social studies fair, in which everyone's mom stayed up late "helping" to finish the project.  Not mine.  I did my project on Abraham Lincoln's assassination.  At age 12-13, I built from scratch...wait for it.......a replica of the scaffolding in which the four individuals charged with the assassination were hung.  I am fairly sure this would not be allowed on school grounds in this day and age, and I would be tagged as a potential serial killer.  But I went into great detail by wrapping my G.I. Joe's in pieces of black trash bag, and using small pieces of twine to hang each one...literally.  To this day, I don't understand why I didn't win. ;)

As I entered my high school years, I abandoned these "outlets".  Although, I am not sure if the increase in the volume of alcohol caused me to lose interest, or I lost interest and then turned to increasing my alcohol.  Who knows?!  But my creative side has definitely returned. Since arthritis, and a broken thumb, continues to decrease the functionality of my hands, I find it increasingly difficult to write, much less draw.  I have, however, found its replacement in a little thing called Photoshop...the touch screen version.

I also love to research (real research, not wikipedia) various topics that catch my interest, especially those with historical significance.  After college, I never thought the word "research" would come out of my mouth again.  But since sobering up, my desire to learn has gone into overdrive.  Filled with so much useless knowledge, I would be an all-star on a high school debate team.  However, as Thomas Jefferson said, "...knolege is power, ...knolege is safety, and...knolege is happiness." (Quick note: the word "knowledge" is intentionally spelled "knolege").

Free Time

So, now that you are sober, what the heck do you do with all your free time?  I know, personally, that thought crossed my mind quite a few times, especially in my early days of sobriety. By now, if you have read any of my blogs, you know that lifting is my passion, obsession, and non-paying side job.  The one thing that helped bring me back to life!  But honestly, lifting was not even in my thought process during my first weeks of sobriety; a time when there is a necessity to fill the gaps between work and sleep.

I was told multiple times by more than one person, you need to find a hobby.  Hobby?  My hobby was sitting on a barstool!  Although true, that answer did not get me very far in my new way of living.  Sitting on a barstool drinking diet soda will only make you the butt of every drunk guy's jokes.  I know because I tried it.  So, the next best item on the list was sports and lifting.

At first, I was pretty well set, and in fact, happy with my decision to never touch a weight again.  It brought back to many memories of perceived failures.  I went from being a top area crossfitter to an unhappy, over-weight crossfit coach...a transformation paved by injuries, depression, and lots of alcohol.  So, in my mind, a return to lifting would bring failure.  And failure would ultimately lead me back to alcoholism.  Drinking was the only way I knew how to deal with those situations.

Ulitimately, you do have to find something to fill those moments of boredom, aka put something in your hands besides drugs or a cold one.  And the sooner the better.  For me, it took some convincing that failure was not directly related to any type of athletic endeavour.  The most important thing to remember is that alcoholism is a disease; a preoccupation with a substance, lack of control, and a way to hide from the world.  So, I started with early morning rowing workouts, and the rest is history.  There are many people that use lifting as a way to relieve stress, but I use it for pure enjoyment and peacefulness.  It helps me clear my mind, re-focus my energy, and reach for goals that don't include an eighteen pack.

It is hard enough to try and help someone turn away from a life long addiction, but helping someone stay sober is more or less a monumental task.  There are typically multiple emotional responses that trigger the knee jerk reaction to reach for a beer or a bottle of pills.  Addicts have to have something else to reach for...a book, pen and paper to write, music, or a stack of weights.  Finding that one hobby is essential in the recovery process.  And it doesn't have to be something your good at, or used to enjoy.  If your chosen hobby is something new, you will have plenty of time to perfect it.  In addition, my last year of competeing in strongman and powerlifting has taught me how to deal with a lot of emotions, ups and downs, that I would have previously tucked away in a bottle of beer.  It hasn't been easy, in fact, a lot has been pretty hard, but it has all been well worth the fight.

FYI...I really wanted to answer the initial question with "I'm going to Disney World". ;)

Support System

 

I am not a big believer in group therapy, such as AA.  I did not use it nor will I promote it, although I do believe that some people may benefit from it.  It is just my choice and I know I do not respond well to various people that I do not know patting me on the back, praying for me, or giving me advise on life.  In fact, put me in a group of people and I will either not say a damn thing or I will be the one to crack all the jokes at the wrong time or just be an asshole.  So, I chose to attack my alcoholic problems by myself, but not without a handful of people, new friends and old, that have come into my life at exactly the right time.  I was not naïve in the fact that I did know I needed some help.  Where was it going to come from? That was the question that time would answer.    

My best friend has always been there for me.  She knows me better than I know myself, and knows what to say when…from letting me crash and burn when needed, to picking me up.  There is no way in the world I could have undertaken this enormous task without the support of the one constant in my life.  If you are one of those people that have to deal with a loved one with an addiction, I can honestly say, for my situation, it was handled 100% in the correct manner.  I had to decide for myself that it was time to quit, and after twenty plus years of drinking, no one ever saw it coming from me.  There was no push, no intervention, no dumping out bottles, no I am going to walk away if you don’t quit situations.  It was me and my decision.  Although it was needed, for my health and sanity, I was allowed to do it on my terms.  Even though “my terms” was originally a bet to see how long it would actually last.  And I would be the first to tell you, it won’t.  I had made that critical decision more than once in my life and failed, but on one morning in particular…I would not fail.  In addition, I have never had to ask for support, its just there…all the time.  This person is the essential part of any recovery program, whether it be a best friend, family member, co-worker...as long as it is someone who truly knows the real you.

I began therapy before I quit drinking to deal with the issues that caused me to drown myself in alcohol in the first place.  Prior to my first session, I chugged three 16oz beers just to calm my nerves and be able to open up a little bit.  My second session, I was wasted.  I started drinking at 8am, my appointment was at 2pm and kept drinking the rest of the day.  She had no idea…that shows you right there how “functional” I really was as an alcoholic.  And it was not her first day on the job by any means.  By my third session I had sobered up for good, and began to do work.  She has single handedly helped me through some extreme rough points in my early months of sobriety.  From depression, to thoughts of suicide, to anger, to being a failure, to piecing my life back together one day at a time…she has heard it all and provided me with countless solutions and ways to get through each scenario.  I can say that without a doubt, I would not have made it this far without her.    

As with any type of addiction recovery, you are always encouraged to find something to do, something you love and have a passion for…a distraction, a release, whatever you want to call it.  Mine had always been sports and lifting.  I played basketball, soccer and volleyball in college and turned to CrossFit in 2008 as a means to stay in shape and feel that competitive edge again.  I competed in the CrossFit Games in 2009 in Aromas as an individual and regional competition in 2010 with a team.  By this time, I had minor injuries that were keeping me from being 100% all the time, so I hung it up as a competitor and turned to the only thing I knew would help, beer.  As my drinking got worse, I walked away from any and all things athletic shortly after that competition.  I began to realize that I needed to get my shit together and being around the gym where I was no longer competitive was not helping.  To me, it was seeing failure first hand day in and out.  So I drank more.

The first day I decided to attack a morning workout, sober, was the first day of the rest of my life.  I could feel that passion deep inside and had to find a way to pull it out.  I spent several months doing things on my own and researching every thing I could about powerlifting.  I knew I could rebuild my bench press to be respectable and I love to deadlift.  The third element of powerlifting is the squat, and in my mind, two outta three wasn’t bad.  Injuries had kept me from squatting for quit a while and I really had no desire to ever squat again. 

As with anything competitive, I hit a point where I need a coach, someone to teach me the ins and outs of the sport, critique me, and best of all kick me in the ass.  I have had some great young coaches in my athletic career and the best ones always pulled things out of me by doing just that.  So, I did my research.  I found the best of the best when it came to competitive and knowledgeable women in lifting and shot her an e-mail.  I’m not gonna lie the quick response kind of scared me a little bit.  I set up an appointment to discuss my goals and show her where I was in my three lifts.  In one session, I learned that I need to tweak my bench form, no problem there, my deadlift form was horrible, and I had no leg strength.  Years of not squatting because of injury had turned my squat to shit, which I was well aware of, as well as my deadlift.  But after one session I was hooked.  It was simply her passion for lifting and her passion to teach…and her ability to kick me in the ass from day one.  Long story short, I had found a person that was going to keep me on my path to recovery, even though she had no idea. 

I could have easily walked away from the challenge that I was about to undertake, but that is not me, not how I operate.  Challenge me to a drinking competition and I would have never backed down.  Challenge me to get stronger and become a better lifter…I am not backing down from that either.                  

So all in all, this was and still is my support system.  Adding to this list, I received a huge amount of support from several co-workers through my hardest moments.  Not many have a boss/friend that was as understanding and supportive as mine.  I was extremely lucky in this department.  The simple fact that I have some of the most caring and supportive co-workers is beyond what I can write or say about them.  When I was at rock bottom, they still showed me love and support.  It is important to note that these are not people that I met overnight, most had known me for years.   

And I can not forget the friends from near and far, old and new who sent me messages of support.  They always made me smile on days when I needed it most.  I still battle issues with anger, frustration, and depression, although they are a lot less frequent, and deal with those moments as they happen.  But my life without alcohol has been amazing to say the least.  I am alive…physically and mentally and extremely appreciative of everyone and everything that has gotten me this far in my new journey.